What to write & not write in a condolence card

First things first, there isn't really a perfect thing to say at this time. The fact you're thinking of them and care enough to send a card or a message is generally a sign you mean well. Do it, it will be received with love, and it makes a difference. The recently bereaved are not always great at responding, their often overwhelmed, a card can be read and processed in their own time.

Send the card!

Flowering Seringa in St Dunstan's in the East garden, London, EC3R 5DD

1. Let them know that they don't need to respond, you can check in on them later but there is zero pressure on the friend or family member you're reaching out to.
   

2. Give them permission to grieve, it is ok to be an absolute ball of snot and tears right now, it's ok to be mad, it's okay to be numb. However they're feeling is the right way to feel. There is no wrong.
   

3. Share a memory. It can be the smallest thing, "When I think of X I think of the times he made me laugh" or "I remember they always took the time to stop and say hello to me, even when they were in a rush." If you didn't know them that well, did they have a great smile? Bet they did. Or how did they make your loved one feel?
   

4. Reassure them. You are loved, you were loved by X. You made them proud, they know you loved them. Grief can make people question all sorts of things, mostly their relationship with the deceased. It is also entirely possible that they had a strained relationship, recognise that. Regardless of how they may be feeling about a person, grief is still hard, and the loss of future reconciliation can exacerbate things.
   

5. Let them know you're sticking around. From death to funeral and shortly after they will be inundated with offers of help and support, those offers can quickly disappear as normal life continues for everyone, except them. Check in regularly in the weeks and months ahead.
   

6. Include a specific offer of help, or set a date in the diary. "Let's meet up on the 1st" or "How about we go to that cafe they loved and you can talk about them?" "I can pick up the kids on Wednesday." Saying Let me know if there's anything I can do, puts the pressure of them to ask for help, even though you have already offered. Emotions aren't straight forward.
   

7. Acknowledge just how awful death and loss are. Not only have they lost a person they love, they will have lost future opportunities, their past has now become forever tainted with sadness, and their own sense of self will be under attack.
   

8. 9. & 10. DON'T - Try and put a positivity on it, no windows opened when this door closed, nothing happens for a reason when you're grieving. It's shit, just shit. DON'T - Make comparisons, its the way we relate, but it doesn't always help. Comparisons can be helpful in like for life situations, both of your mothers have died. But your cat or long lost aunt aren't relevant right now. Sorry. DON'T - Downplay it. Undoubtedly the person you are writing to is resilient, strong, and will survive this. But right now, I can pretty much guarantee they aren't feeling that way. They might never feel like their going to be ok ever again, they might not think they will ever get through this. (What does that even look like anyway?) BONUS Keep checking in. I mentioned it earlier, but keep doing it. Make a note of their persons birthday, death-iversary, drop them a quick text. Nothing fancy just remember that certain times of the year will be extra hard. Christmas, Mothers/Father's Day, their birthday. Letting them know you're thinking of them will be a huge comfort to your person.